Dear God,

I really feel pretty pointless writting to you at the moment. I don't even know why I am really doing it right now. I guess it has kinda become a part of my routine so I am writting. I really don't see a point in it. I feel like I am sitting here scribbling something down just so that I have done my little duty for the day. It doesn't feel like you are listening. It doesn't feel like I am talking to anyone. I feel like I am just writting for no reason. I feel like I have already told you all of this. It seems so pointless to say the same thing over and over again. I feel like I am tired of repeating myself. I feel like I should be asking you to help me get better but I guess I don't really believe that you will. It's weird how I can believe so strongly that you will help people like Julie and yet I don't see how you could ever help me. I thank you for Julie getting a heart. That's really amazing. So many people were praying for her and she is such a good person that it just really seems like she is the kind of person that desearves it. She is the kind of person that you would help. I feel that I am not one of those people. I don't really desearve anything. I guess I desearve what I get. It's weird to think about what I have been through. I can talk about it so casually. I am a mental case. The only reason that I wasn't put in a mental hospital was because there wasn't any openings that night. I guess it's all just kinda weird. So many people don't see me as anything like that. I don't seem to be that kind of a person. I guess it's just who I have made myself to be. I don't really have much of a life because I don't really let myself have one so I guess I can be whoever I want. I don't have close friends, I guess Kellie is one but other then that I don't. I don't really let myself have emotions. I am not really human. Not sure if they took it away from me or I took it from myself. I guess probably a combination of both. I guess it's all coping though. I am a useless shell but at least I am still alive. Not sure if it's really a fair tradeoff but it makes them people happy. I guess I kinda get the bad end either way. Anyways, I am kinda rambling about pointless stuff and I still don't feel that you are really listening to me so I guess that kinda makes this talking to myself. God, I guess help me so that I can become closer to you again. Help me be more than a worthless shell.

                                           -Cat